I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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