You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
