I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
