I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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