there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
