Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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