Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
