you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
