Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
