And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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