We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
