Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
