my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
