We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
