im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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