Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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