i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
