I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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