You smell like stripper and shame
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you traded sex for a burrito?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
