What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
