Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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