I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
