I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
