All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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