The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
