Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
