I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
