I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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