ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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