he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
