Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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