seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
