I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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