were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
