He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
