Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
