1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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