After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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