i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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