so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
