I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize