she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When did angry sex become our thing?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
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