There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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