Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize