she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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