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Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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