The maid of honor just puked.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
