either way he was missing a nipple.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
