I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
