according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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