I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
