just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
