I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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