I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
