It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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