Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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