I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
