He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
