she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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