I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
