please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
